Its not all bad

I know my posts lately have been a little on the negative side.  I don't purposely intend for that but sometimes blogging is a good way to vent.

Andrew ran a high fever last night so we laid low today.  This was needed.  There was no outside stimulation for Abigail today so it was a very quiet day.  We colored, we danced, we watched sandcastles being built on TV.  We talked about things 5 year olds and moms talk about.  I only had to redirect her a few times and not once had to send her to her room.  It was amazing and it was needed by this Mama.

Andrews temperature broke this morning and he also laid low, although extremely clingy but that is to be expected.  There will always be room in my arms - even if all three climb up in them.

We had an amazing moment today with Andy.  Abby came running in while I was folding laundry and exclaimed "Andy said Bus!!"  My initial response was "sure he did" but I had to find out so I went into the other room where the kids were playing cars.  I sat down with them and started to play.  "Andy can I have the bus?" to this I get the accustomed nod.  "What is it that I want, Andy?" and low and behold he said "ssss" in which I replied "good try, it is a bus."  Andy nodded excitingly and said "Baaaa - sssss".  I would consider this a little prompting but I got ecstatic anyway.  He said Bus and he said it with little delay.

I had to give him a big hug.  We know have 4 words (well sort of): "Mama, Ba-ss (Bus), Pa - p (pop) and O - pa (open)".  Yes, they are not understood by all but the fact that he has the sounds and is trying to put them together is so exciting!

Andrew still needs a lot of prompting to try words but we are on the right track.  He has a lot of sounds he just has not quite figured out how to put them together.  I look forward to speech therapy tomorrow and what word he might develop in the short 45 minutes.

The space underneath the chair

Year 1 she cries

Year 2 she throws a fit

Year 3 she runs from the room

Year 4 she screams as she sits in my lap

Year 5 ...  She finds safety only in the space underneath a chair.  Temperature not taken, blood pressure not taken and the doctor on hands and knees checking her ears and eyes.

It's a routine yearly check up.  There is no immunization scheduled just your basic check up for school. No big deal to most kids and no big deal to Mom.  But for my princess the anxiety got to be so much that she could only find solace under a chair.  When the chair was removed she crawled under the chair I was sitting in grabbed both legs and wouldn't let go.

I have to check myself at this point - my patience weighing thin.  What do I do?  How do I comfort her and still get the appointment over with?  Thankfully, I did not have to make such a hard decision.  Abby's pediatrician got down on the floor (in her dress) and commenced the exam.

In these moments counting to 10 and taking deep breaths and stepping back is so hard for me to do.  I have learned that in these moments I am tested.  Tested as much as she is.  It is a no win.  Her pediatrician says "maybe it is time for Abby to see a development pediatrician" and I agree.

I took the info the doctor gave me in to therapy this morning.  The report from her OT is that Abby had a hard time visually today.  Her SLP reported that she was ok during speech.  They are in agreement with her pediatrician - things are getting harder.  This just confirms my fears.  

I am at the point where I do not know what is behavior and what is anxiety/SPD.  I do not know how to be mom and therapist.  How do you prepare for these moments?  How do discipline when you don't know the cause?

Somedays I wish I could crawl underneath that chair with her...

Adaption

"Adaption" as grown ups we take adapting to our surroundings, to our life changes and to the world around us in easy strides.  A little girl with SPD finds adapting to be just as challenging as walking for the first time.  Every day brings a new change to adapt to and so goes our journey.

Since last I blogged we have had many changes in our family; some progressive and some concerning. So let me catch up a bit.  Abby continues with ST, OT and is now receiving PT services, she has added a few more fancy terms of why she is the way she is, adding to CAS is SPD, Dyspraxia, & severe hypotonia.  Andy is still not speaking @ 27mths which has concerned his therapists enough to set in motion a frequent therapy regimen.  Possibly the biggest change we have had is that we have introduced a new little one into our family: Archer who is now just under 4mths.

I will post more about Andy's progress in a separate post.  I have titled this post "adaption" and although change effects everyone including my 2 year old it seems to be an ongoing battle for Abigail.

This year Abby will need to adjust to many things, a new therapist, a new classroom, a new teacher, new friends and most of all a new brother.  The changes that are happening in her life seem to be elevating her already challenged cooping skills.  She has becoming "needy" at home.  Seeking attention in anyway she can - throughout the day and throughout the night.  It does not stop.  She has developed what I refer to as safe word/phrases that helps her when she needs more stimulation.  "applesauce, applesauce, applesauce" over and over and over again for no seen reason.  

Now turning 5 I have been told by therapists, doctors and other mothers that Abby should be able to hold a conversation for a few minutes, she should be able to watch a full TV episode, she should be able to sit for at least 15 minutes in an organized circle.  These are things that are so hard for my princess to do.  She needs to be jumping, swinging, standing on her head.  We have an everyday routine which puts her in bed by 8p yet she can not stop her body and her mouth until close to 11p.  

With a new little one in the house I do have to say that my patience with this symptom of SPD is very thin.  I ask myself "why can't she just stop, I am telling her to stop".  It rains one day and we have anxiety over umbrellas, it's sunny out so we have anxiety over whether we will go to the pool or not.  yes even the weather effects her and the way she will handle the day.  

Good days are far and in between at this point and I find myself frustrated to the point of yelling.  Then something happens that pulls me out of my own frustration and into hers.  Like not being able to move because there is a truck in the parking lot and it is idling and the sound of the engine, the smoke coming out of the muffler, and the smell the diesel is producing is just too overwhelming.  So we stop and we wait for these things to take root in our body.  We wait for our noses to acclimate, for our ears to stop vibrating and for our eyes to process what these new things are.  We wait, just a minute, sometimes even 30 seconds - which seems like an eternity to others.  Andy holds her hand and I pat her head and we walk into the building leaving the truck behind.  This truck causes a domino effect for the rest of the day - its like she has just taken a big swig of Red Bull.  She seeks stimulation continuously the rest of the day.  How frustrating it must be to not be able to stop...